Canterlot Chronicles
by yournewmanager
Summary: When Applejack gets bored one day and visits Twilight's house, it sets into motion a chain of events that will forever change Equestria.
1. Chapter 1

They say that if a colt and a mare love eachother, they will spend 50 dollars on eachother every day and then have uncomfortable sex at night involving copious amounts of BDSM and furry pornography. This is a true story, a story of love, and of friendship.

It was a sunny day in Ponyville, the birds were singing, the earth ponies were being good, conservative citizens because magic and flying are for satanists and lesbians, the unicorns were sacrificing small, supple, potentially autistic fillies to their dark lord, and the pegasi were enjoying The Village Ponies, or perhaps even My Little Chemical Romance.

In retrospect, maybe the earth ponies are right, in this case.

In any case, it was time for our heroine, Applejacker, to begin her duty of applebucking. Not appleFUCKING, but applebucking. Even people with bad porn names have standards, you freaks. Midway through, however, she started feeling... Strange. It was this anxious feeling, one that felt as if her loins were screaming "Rub here! You stupid bitch!", which led to Applejacker deciding now was a good time to abandon her standards and exercise her God given right to applefuck.

Taking one of the round, delicious, shiny apples, she rammed it directly into her urinary tract, tearing it open and causing a flood of urine, blood, ejaculation, and more blood to flood out in torrents, resembling a dam breaking and sending hordes of half-dead beavers over onto the jagged rocks below. As she did this, she rammed another one into her anus. This had much the same effect.

After finishing with all this, she decided it would be a good time to visit Twiedtubes and Dyke. She would surely find something more amusing than almost killing herself for sick sexual pleasure there.

At Twiedtubes house, at approximately the time Applejacker left Sweet Apple Rapers but before the time when she arrived but approximately at the time she was halfway to the library, Twiedtubes and Dyke were enjoying eachother's company in a very non-sexual way, if you happen to be delusional. In actuality, they were fucking. I mean FUCKING. It was like torrents of skeet and sex toys flying all over the place, possibly all over the world, with lots of screaming and potential deaths because Twiedtubes is a unicorn, therefore a satanist, therefore she enjoys killing and sacrificing.

"Oh Dyke, you're my number one assistant! I'll make sure the dark lord lets us be together in Hell!" Twiedtubes stated to Dyke, who was half-dead and had lost almost 60% of the blood in his body, his ovaries, and possibly he had ruptured a testicle.

"Twied for Satan's sake you're killing me stop it you dumb whore I'll kill you fuck off," said Dyke in a very nonchalant manner. Just then, Applejacker busted in with an M60.

"FULL... METAL... JACKET..." Applejacker murred, with her heavy M60 in mouth. Ah, yes, the M60. With it's 7.62x51mm rounds, it could murder a man in nanoseconds. This is compared to Goku, who could kill a man in only milliseconds, so you know the power level of this gun is fucking spectacular and you shouldn't even fucking fuck with this balla' of a gun.

Unfortunately, Applejacker couldn't carry The Pig, as it was called in 'Nam, because it was too heavy for her pony frame. "HRNG" she frustratedly screamed, "I'll just have to do this the hard way." Walking over to Dyke, she asked him "You may live and even rape me if you answer me these questions three, there my vagina you see. WHAT... IS MY NAME!" She screamed loud enough to make Twiedtubes anal cavity vibrate pleasurably.

"Applejacker," Dyke responded.

"WHAT... IS YOUR QUEST!" Applejacker vibrated her vocal cords enough to rip an ovary.

"To not have my anal cavity wrecked by fruit!" Dyke once again responded.

"WHAT KIND OF AMMO DOES THE M60 USE!"

"7.56- Wait, no-" But it was too late. His asshole was plugged very far into by the apple that Applejacker brought with her. He would never experience anal sex again, and in horror, he took the M60 that he could carry being a baby Dick-Dragon and shot himself to death. The body was never found, because even Nudity didn't care.

"So Twiedtubes" Applejacker asked, "What does y'all gay niggas do for sex around here?"

But Twiedtubes couldn't respond, instead staring in horror at a sight that Applejacker hadn't noticed. During the fight with Dyke, Strecock and Bloodfucker Sensei walked into the room and were masturbating.

"Oh fuck!" Said Bloodfucker Sensei, "We've been caught! Plan B! Plan B!"

Strecock pulled out an AKS-74u, and attempted to fire it at Twiedtubes... BUT IT JAMMED! Panicking, he reloaded it, but accidentally loaded the anti-human ammo instead of the anti-pony ammo. Such is life in the Zone, as they say.

"Shit! I think I loaded the wrong ammo!" Strecock screamed in horror.

"PLAN C!" Bloodfucker Sensei screamed. They then took their cocks out, molested Applejacker and Twiedtubes, and the bodies were once again never found, as Bloodfucker Sensei and Strecock drank all their semen and blood and urine and shit and smegma.

"Dear Princess Molestia,

"I am writing from beyond the grave to tell you that today I learned many things about friendship, namely, you shouldn't be friends with psychotic southern ponies who ram apples into their urinary tracts and own M60s they can't even carry. You also shouldn't rape your number one assistant and especially you shouldn't try to sacrifice him. True friends will ALWAYS treat you well, and will never subject you to that kind of horror.

"Also, if you see Bloodfucker Sensei and Strecock? Run. Fucking run. You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

"Your faithful student, Twiedtubes Snarkle."

Author's Note: Rate 5 out of 5 and give me sparkling reviews, darlings! Thanks to my friend who I shouldn't name for giving me a few ideas for this fic!


	2. Chapter 2

Prince Blueballs woke up from his wet dream with a massive pink pony boner, and a craving for some sex. He decided to go to his room full of sex toys, and picked out a 13 foot long dildo to fit into his cavernous anus.

Putting the dildo into his anus, he began feeling stranger than he normally would during this act, suddenly, he unwillingly began ramming it in and out at terminal velocity, causing him to become schizophrenic and listen to At A Medium Pace as it played out from his eyeballs.

"Oh yeah, whore! Take it you fucking bitch!" Blueballs screamed, as he finally orgasmed. His actually-rather-small-compared-to-Twiedtubes-prehensile-clitoris dick began spewing twenty gallons, and I do mean twenty gallons, of cum all over the room, into his eyes, his nose, his anus that was now shitting copious amounts of shit and blood, and even into his ear canals.

He evacuated the area, then took a shower which was somehow able to fix his destroyed eyesight, and began pondering what had happened.

"I didn't even want to go that fast or spew that much cum. What was up with that?" He thought, "Perhaps Princess Poona knows. She DOES control the sex toy trade in Equestria."

Princess Poona had just finished inflating the prices of her cheap chinese sex toys, as porn to masturbate to because she couldn't fuck, because Equestrian royalty is not supposed to be un-virgined before marriage. She could still masturbate normally, however, which is what she was doing with a bicycle pump attached to her urinary tract and her hooves on her clitoris.

"Oh god! The prices of the condoms! THEY'RE GOING UP! BABY, KEEP GOING UP! FUCK I'M GONNA CUM!" She screamed, as she came about 3 litres of female jizz. She then pulled the pump out, which had been inflating her the entire time, and expelled the air that was inside her with a queefing noise and lots of pissing.

After laying in her own piss, panting, for about 2 hours, she heard a knock at the door to her room. Opening the door, she saw it was Prince Blueballs. He looked oddly handsome right about now. But she was still recovering from her previous orgasm, so trying to have sex with him now would be akin to pouring acid onto her dirty vagina.

"Hello, Prince Blueballs, what brings you here?" Poona questioned him.

"Well, I'm trying to figure something out..." he said, "Disregard that, bend the fuck over!" he suddenly screamed, grabbing her and throwing her onto her back, before penetrating her violently and de-virgining her.

"What the fuck are you doing," she asked, "you're raping me stop this treason immediately! And this isn't even bending the fuck over!" but it was too late, she was already de-virgined, this she knew. She would have to resort to using mind reading powers to communicate with him.

Entering his mind, she was in a meadow, but instead of flowers, grass, and animals, it was dildos, ass-flowers, and walking anthropomorphic STDs. She also saw what appeared to be a giant penis with a rape face on it's glans, with "bueno" written on it's scrotum. She recognised it as a rape demon, a demon that possesses people and gives them the mental fortitude and power to rape others. It then approached her.

"Hello," it said, "my name is Get Ready... TO BE FUCKED!" It seemed to be serious like Sam, so she tried escaping Blueballs' mind. Unfortunately, it was too late, it already was violating her anus. In the real world, she was violated in the vagina, here, in the anus. Truly a bad place to be.

In the real world, Blueballs was finishing up, just as Get Ready was, and spewed enough cum into her to impregnate 20000 Krogans. She woke up several minutes later to find Prince Blueballs looking around, appearing confused.

"Poona? What happened?" he asked.

"Well, you have a rape demon living inside of you, who also literally mind raped me, as you were raping me. You're in luck, rape demons allow you to remove all inhibitions, and literally fuck everyone and everything. If you can learn to control it, you will never go without sex again."

Blueballs seemed fascinated by this. "Thanks for telling me," he said, "I think I'll try this on Rainho Ass."

"That sounds great, the dyke needs a good straight raping." she said, despite being a lesbian in denial and only hating Rainho because she refused to fuck the sex starved princess with a spiked dildo.

Blueballs finally arrived at Rainho's house, and knocked on the door. 5 minutes full of odd moaning sounds later, Rainho opened the door.

"Oh god, a male! I need to go vomit!" But it was too late, the rape demon took over, and before he knew it Blueballs was raping her! It was an odd experience, her vagina was... Wide. Very wide. So damn wide it had to have been violated by many stallions previously.

Wait... No... This cannot be! "Oh god, Blueballs! It feels so good! Keep fucking me!" she screamed. Blueballs felt himself losing his rape demon abilities, and finally...

"Rainho, you bitch! Stop it! I'm losing my rape powers!" he warned her.

"But it feels so good! It's not rape if I enjoy it!"

This was the last straw for the rape demon, it expelled itself from Blueballs' anus.

"NO! NO IT IS NOT! It isn't rape if you enjoy it, and I am out of here! See you negroes in hell where you all belong!" it said, before entering a penis shaped hole in the ground that looked like a penis shaped hole in the ground.

Rainho and Blueballs stared at the penis hole, before Blueballs pulled out a knife and stabbed Rainho in her vagina, causing her to urinate blood and feces. He then ate her eyeballs and she died.

He was later arrested and executed for murder, rape, and having sex with a princess.

Meanwhile, in Hell, Twiedtubes and Applejacker were laughing as their latest scheme unfolded perfectly. They were actually friends again, and partners in crime, as it were.

"Yes, this went perfectly!" Applejacker said, eating some dried shit.

"Yes, it did!" Twiedtubes was still raping Dyke, even as he had a plugged anus.

Their scheme was beginning to unfold, and it was a dark one indeed.

Author's Note: What is this scheme? How will it affect Equestria? And more over, will Dyke ever unplug his anus and defeat this evil? Find out once I finally finish this story completely!


	3. Chapter 3

Princess Molestia had just finished magically re-virgining her sister, in a process involving child sacrifice, rape, more rape, lots of trains, rape, rape choo-choo trains, rape, dead rapist ghosts, and a Lots and Lots of Trains DVD. It failed, however, thereby killing Poona.

Molestia was crying over this failure, she was always the one to fail, always the one who fate decided to take a menstrual piss on. She wanted to die so badly, but she still pressed on.

"Maybe I can visit Pussy Pie," she thought aloud, recieving many glances and clops from the herm fetishistic teenage 13 year old guardsmen around her, causing a cum explosion which launched her into the air. She was an alicorn, though so she could merely fly away from her ruined castle.

"Maybe she can cheer me up."

At Sugar Daddy Whore-corner, Pussy Pie was just finishing up on some cupcakes, having drank the magical Liquid Sun formula beforehand. Molestia made it herself, being a known intersexed princess, and the world's first intersexed royalty. Back in the olden days, before she was born, intersexed people would be raped for the sexual pleasure of the people of the world. Of course, royalty couldn't be de-virginities before marriage, so she was fine. Pussy Pie know, because she's a friend of Molestia.

Molestation busted into the room, taking the entire Sugar Daddy Whore-corner down with her.

"PUSSY PIE FUCK ME OR I WILL KILL MYSELF TO DEATH," she screamed, bleeding from her ovary. Just the one.

"NO FUCK Y'ALL NIGGA I GOTTA GET MAH HOS IN ORDER," Pussy screamed, fucking herself with her now existent cock. She was infected by the hermies now!

"Oh no, I gived it to you! How and I going to defeat the herm plague?" Molestia thought, but thinking hurts so she stopped and just decided to fuck Pussy.

Erecting her dispenser, she rammed it deep into the cavernous prostate of Pussy Pie, bypassing everything before it with magic. Pussy screamed in angryony, taking out a batdildo and ramming it into Moslesta eye!

Molescha screaming, take out her sausage and rape Pussy to death! Halfway through, Pussy cums a glorious pee pee poop stream! It looked like cupcakes make of soylented people.

Fucked, defeated, and gay, Pussy tooked the dead route. She never asked for it, but she had to for the escaping purposes.

Molester realise her failures again, she tooked the dick and rammed into anus, causing a sunny D cum explosion of AIDS! Tooked the body down into hell with, she now plots with Applejacker and Twiedtubs!

Faggotville paniced induce! They don't end in a gay orgy, but instead, a ponies taking all the dicks and ramming into eardrums, creating AIDS wax parasites! Faggotville was entering a dark age, once that only one pony, or dagon, could drag them out in...

Dyke, and he girlie Nudity! But that would wait for our next tale in this romantic drama tale...

Author's Note: Oh no! What happen next? See you next time on My Little Pony: Canterlot Chronicles!


	4. Chapter 4

Dyke was now at the final encounter, he woken up from the rapezone and begun to think of a plan. He straps on a dildo, due to him penis gone disintegrate from the rape of Twiedtubes, and he began to forumalute a plot.

Dyke takes the dildo and opens a cock portal with, to teleport to Nudity.

Nudity was working on her whore's outfits, to make a bigger profit than the normality dress could ever being to hope! She have big butt, so she make sowing machine with the workbutt! Shitting the thread into stitch it all by piece together, she makes a beautiful Taiwan dress.

Dyke falls into room from teleport, takes a nudist glance at him lover, then snatch the snatch bearer and take into hell with!

"Dyke what am this shit! I am Nudity, I don't need the bowler infested hell!" Nudity yelled. Indeed, hell was once big bowling alley, now reduced to bowlers who am now blowers for money. They have penises into own anus in assfuck fest of introspection.

Dyke began to look in horror, he gets depressed thinking he will never unplug anus, but it fine because him on suicide quest. He go to Applejacker, to begin the killing for patriots and freeman's land!

"Applefuck, you have desecrated our rights for the final offensive!" he said, gritting teeth in mad, "You will not have pardon here!"

"Hue hue, hueeeeee, I no longer Applescrotum, but instead, Jacker of all Trades! I can control pussy to anus powers of Assburgers!" She said, beginning to shit out of her dicknippers.

Dyke don't listen at all, he begin quest by take hacksaw and cut the dick nipples off!Applejacker not understand, nipple dicks meant to be invincible! 

"What is this, they meant to last forever! This is a gay situation of fags! Yuzuru Akie Joe-sama not approve!" she said, only for Joe to buster in!

"Faggots, I am a straight! I summon you, demons! PERSONA!" Jose scream, before a demon spurts out of him anus! It was a Jack Frost, it was nested pretty far into. It cast Mabufu, but Dyke have ice reflect and it reflect to Joe! It freeze him dick.

"NNNNNGH! Faggot dick-dragon! I fuck you in ass!" Joe now say, only to find Dyke asshole apple-plugged!

"Ha! I know it come handy to not be fuckarapabale! I will now enter you ovary and FUCK!" him say, takes him strap on and smash Joe dick! Joe scream! He won't survive devils now! Jack Forst even turn him on, kill him eyeballs and take him arms! Then Dkye ignite, he gets killed! He's REALLY no survivor now!

Dkye then take Apple out finally, he finally am a free fucker! Unfortunately, his shit leaks out and boils, creating an evil stink that almost kills him. It does, however, murder Jacker of all Trades, so he lives and she is dead!

He moves on, quest almost finished though. He finds the Twiedtubes, who are now a monster testicles scrotum that hangs from a fissure of anuses in ceiling ozone! He pull out dildo gun and begin fire!

"Stupid Lesbo," she says, spurting out anus juice that burns like cancer and land on Nudity! She will die, and a hero she won't be because she done nothing but panic. Dyke still angry.

"You have murder my girlfriend! I fuck hate you! I gonna end a dead rapist nigger, and the dead rapist nigger you!" But she have one-ace card trick up her sleeve, the Simons of Crying Fear!

"I am emo. My girlfriend hates me. My vision is augmented. Woah! My inventory is full. I need more ammo. You sick fuck!" He continue like this until Dyke get bored and kill him. It end well, because Dyke am have anti-emo fag power.

"Now", he says, "I will kill you Twiedtubes!" He launches shit balls at her, to kill until she am dead! Faggotville saved! They resurrect, him now a hero! For fresdom! For freersdom! For freedom!

Dyke then did become hero, and statuettes erection in glory of him! Pussy Pie go to heaven, now God's best baker! Rainho and everyone else rot in bowels of hell though, but maybe... Oh no... No... NOOOOOOOO!

Molestia still live, she is plotting! She is going to end us all! Dyke, why have you forgotten?

But until such a day as Molestia enacts plan, and we defeat, this story is an over.

THE END


End file.
